Skip to content

10 Upcoming 2019 Movies That Are Doomed To Fail

23 March 2019 | Features, Film Lists | by Pall Jakobsson

2019 looks like it’s going to be full of great films, but just like with every year, there are undeniably going to be a lot of box office bombs and massive disappointments, and in this list we will be looking at 10 films that seem most likely to fall into that second category of awfulness.

 

10. Zombieland: Double Tap

The first “Zombieland” was a pretty fun, original and entertaining comedy, but this year it’s going to suffer the same fate that most fun, original and entertaining comedies fall for: it’s getting a sequel.

If you look at the long history of comedy sequels, you will have a hard time finding a single one that was as good or as entertaining as the original. Most of them are just tired cash grabs that rehash the same jokes and formula that made the first one work without much effort or creativity.

And if you look at the history of comedy sequels that came out 10 (or more) years after the original, you will pretty much only find films that range from awful to abomination.

It’s said that the best way to predict future behaviour is to look at past behaviour, which means that “Zombieland: Double Tap” is most likely going to suck, but there is the possibility that it might break the curse of shitty 10-years-later sequels and actually be good. But that chance is so slim that it’s best to prepare for the worst and hope that it won’t be as bad as “Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues,” “Blues Brothers 2000,” “My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2,” “Zoolander No. 2,” “Super Troopers 2” and “Dumb and Dumber To.”

 

9. Terminator: Dark Fate

The Terminator franchise has had its ups and downs: the first one is pretty good, the second one is great (especially the Special Edition), the third one is meh, the fourth one is watchable, and the fifth one is so bad it singlehandedly killed off all interest in a sixth one.

Unlike the last three films, “Dark Fate” is the first one since “T2” to have any input from James Cameron, which might make it into the sequel we have been waiting for. But getting the director of “Deadpool” to make it was a seriously odd choice, because even though “Deadpool” was really entertaining, it was directed in such a basic way that it bordered on feeling lazy.

Out of all the films on this list, this is the only one that could actually take everyone by storm and re-establish the Terminator franchise as something more than two great movies that were then followed by 27 years of shit. But frankly, this is probably just going to fully cement the fact that the Terminator franchise should have died in 1991 and that producers should probably stop beating its corpse.

 

8. Rocketman

From the guy who finished “Bohemian Rhapsody” after known paedophile Bryan Singer gave up comes a film that looks almost identical to “Bohemian Rhapsody,” but this time with Elton John songs instead of Queen songs.

When looking at all the trailers and promotional material for “Rocketman,” it becomes almost absurdly obvious that Dexter Fletcher directed both pictures, as they have the same colour pallete and look like they are going to have an almost identical story and narrative structure. Or like Patrick H. Willems put it, “A remake of ‘Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story’ without the jokes.”

“Bohemian Rhapsody” wasn’t anything special, it was a lifeless mess that lived mostly on the infamous music it used and ended with a vastly inferior version of a legendary performance that can be found on YouTube for free.

Looking at the final cut of “Bohemian Rhapsody” and seeing how “Rocketman” looks almost like a “Bohemian Rhapsody” remake with a different soundtrack, it’s not hard to predict that we are in for another lifeless messy remake of “Walk Hard” without the jokes.

 

7. Shaft

The Shaft franchise may not be that great, but it’s undeniably an important part of film history. The first film is one of the greatest blaxploitation films ever made, and was and still is an important stepping stone in Black representation in film, both behind and in front of the camera, even though the sequels (all three of them) got progressively worse.

The idea of making a sequel to a franchise that has been going downhill with each installment since 1972 isn’t really that great, and it could work on the screen presence of Richard Roundtree and Samuel L. Jackson alone. But what completely sinks all hope that this new film will be anything more than the final nail in the coffin of Shaft is that it’s being directed by Tim Story, the guy behind those two god-awful “Fantastic Four” films, the terrible Ride Along duology (soon to be Trilogy) and that horrendous “Taxi” remake.

The only film that Story has directed that’s worth watching is “Barbershop,” which was 16 years ago and was most likely only good by accident, and based on the long line of shit that followed, it’s extremely hard to be hopeful for the new Shaft film.

It was doomed from the moment he signed on to direct.

 

6. Rambo V: Last Blood

Rambo is a franchise that has become legendary based more on the idea of Rambo more than because of the films themselves, because as a whole, the Rambo franchise has never been that good.

“First Blood” was a pretty decent film but nothing special; “First Blood: Part II” was downright awful and has only lived on nostalgia and people’s never-ending hunger for ‘80s cheese; “Rambo III” was just terrible; and “Rambo” was a gratuitously ugly and misguided bore.

The original idea for “Rambo 5” was to create a soulful swan song for Rambo in the vein of “Logan,” but based on interviews with Stallone, that idea was thrown out the window to create an action-packed story where Rambo fights a Mexican drug cartel, which might work but based on the Rambo’s track record it probably won’t.

Pages: 1 2


   

Other Brilliant Movie Posts On The Web
   

Like Our Facebook Page and Get Daily Updates