How To Get Nominated for an Oscar:
1. Be Meryl Streep.
2. Be handicapped.
3. Be dying.
4. Be completely alone…. through most of the movie.
5. Be the underdog who nobody thought would win or the person who helped the underdog win.
6. Be in a movie nobody ever heard of before the nominees were announced.
7. Be incredibly good-looking and make yourself ugly.
8. Be Meryl Streep again.
9. Be mentally disturbed.
Note: 1. Opponents description written in style of the 6-Word Memoir.
2. The order of these movies could easily be scrambled because every one of these performances were as golden as the statue that coveted them.
20. Jasmine French (Cate Blanchett) Blue Jasmine (2013) Best Actress WINNER!
Synopsis snippet: Jasmine used to be a wealthy socialite but lost all of her money because of her scheming with her lying, no-account, soon to be ex-husband who gets his due. She moves in with her sister who welcomes her despite the fact that Jasmine basically ruined her life too. Even so, Blanche, I mean Jasmine, cannot see past her past and past herself, thus spiraling downward. Spanking brand new movie=synopsis DANGER so I’ll stop here for this one.
How disturbed was she? Lots of talking about herself, talking to herself, talking to herself about herself, and more self-absorbed than a Justin Bieber/Miley Cyrus/Zoolander lovechild.
Character Quote: “Can you please not fight in here? I don’t think I can take it. For some reason my Xanax isn’t kicking in.”
Opponents: Amy Adams in American Hustle (Fake Brit con artist men loved), Judi Dench in Philomena (Search for son back to beginning) , Meryl Streep in August: Osage County (Pill addict, has cancer, mean truths), & Sandra Bullock in Gravity (Help George Clooney! I’m floating away!).
19. Virginia Woolf (Nicole Kidman) The Hours (2003) Best Actress WINNER!
Synopsis snippet: Centered around Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf, The Hours depicts the same day of three women living years apart, one of whom is Virginia Woolf, while she is writing Mrs. Dalloway in 1923. 1951 unhappy Laura (Julianne Moore) is reading Mrs. Dalloway and struggling not to despair and end it all, and 2001 Clarissa (Meryl Streep) IS Mrs. Dalloway as she is preparing a party for her ex (but still her friend) Richard, who is dying of AIDS.
How disturbed was she? Virginia Woolf was bipolar and battled thoughts of suicide until she succumbed in 1941. That’s about as disturbed as you can get.
Character Quote: “Always the years between us. Always the years. Always the love. Always the hours.”
Opponents: Salma Hayek in Frida (Hubby artist too, affair Trotsky, unibrow), Julianne Moore in Far From Heaven (1950s, gay husband, likes black gardner), Renee Zellweger in Chicago (Becomes a star because of murder), & Diane Lane in Unfaithful (Wife cheats so husband kills lover).
18. Aileen Wournos (Charlize Theron) Monster (2003) Best Actress WINNER!
Synopsis snippet: A true story, Aileen Wournos was a prostitute who falls in love with the self-involved Selby (Christina Ricci). She then proceeds to: roller skate, kills a john, look for a bunch of jobs, crash and burn through bunches of interviews, turn back to hooking with a twist:NO-sex-just-kill-and-take-the-money. Oh-and this is all for Selby, including her taking all the blame after she is eventually caught and put to death.
How disturbed was she? She says “fuck” a lot, screams and yells, kills bunches of people and feels “good with the Lord” about it.
Character Quote: “This will all, this will all pass, you know? You can go back home for a while, and when you come back here- and we, and we go far far away…”
Opponents: Diane Keaton in Something’s Gotta Give (Left Keanu Reeves for Jack Nicholson?), Keisha Castle-Hughes in Whale Rider (Chief of tribe after saving whales), Naomi Watts in 21 Grams (Former addict loses family, goodbye wagon) , & Samantha Morton in In America (Irish immigrant struggle, still loves America).
17. Lisa Rowe (Angelina Jolie) Girl, Interrupted (1999) Best Supporting Actress WINNER!
Synopsis snippet: Based on a true story, Susanna (Winona Ryder) is institutionalized after a sorta suicide attempt and befriends the women of the hospital. The flame to her and the other little moths is Lisa, the wild child who can escape at will and gets the others to follow her antics. Susanna has to resist becoming a permanent member of this girls club-the anorexic, the abused, the scarred, the liars, the runaways, and the suicidal.
How disturbed was she? She’s mean, she’s nice, she’s up, she’s down, and “she’s always a woman to me……” She does act loony, kinda like Angelina Jolie a la Billy Bob Thornton.
Character Quote: “All you have is mustard and your chickens! I am going to be the Cinderella at Walt Disney’s new theme park, Susanna’s gonna be Snow White. You can come if you want. You can be the Cocker Spaniel that eats spaghetti.”
Opponents: Chloe Sevigny in Boys Don’t Cry (Loves boy who’s really a girl), Catherine Keener in Being John Malkovich (Sex with others in Malkovich’s head), Toni Collette in The Sixth Sense (Son sees ghost of Bruce Willis), & Samantha Morton in Sweet and Lowdown (Shy laundress is mute, loves Penn).
16. John Nash (Russell Crowe) A Beautiful Mind (2001) Best Actor Nominee
Synopsis snippet: Russell Crowe plays John Nash, a mathematician so brilliant, Will Hunting should cry in his cups. Unfortunately, math comes with a side of schizophrenia and a hallucination cherry on top. He is a danger to his family and thinks Soviets are out to get him. He gradually begins to understand which stuff is hallucinations (although he still sees them), but learns to ignore them in order to function again and even teach. By ignoring them, he is killing them.
How disturbed was he? Three imaginary people with an imaginary Soviet conspiracy is pretty disturbed.
Character Quote: “Okay. I am always suspicious of new people. Now that I know you’re real, who are you, and what can I do for you?”
Opponents: Denzel Washington in Training Day (WINNER! Crooked detective makes Hawke commit crimes), Will Smith in Ali (Heavyweight champion loses title wins again), Sean Penn in I Am Sam (Disabled dad raises daughter with help), & Tom Wilkinson in In the Bedroom (Easygoing doctor loses son kills murderer).
15. Marquis De Sade (Geoffrey Rush) Quills (2000) Best Actor Nominee
Synopsis snippet: Rush played the sexually sadistic Marquis de Sade (hence the term) in a hyperbolic version of his last years in an asylum. Forbidden to write, he used blood and shit, and the beautiful Madeleine (Kate Winslet) to smuggle his work to the world. He messed with the mind of the Abbe (Joaquin Phoenix) of the asylum who wanted Madeleine too, but also forbidden. Poor Madeleine!
How disturbed was he? Did you read about the blood and the shit? And that sadism is named for him?
Character Quote: “Welcome to our humble madhouse Doctor. I trust you’ll find yourself at home.”
Opponents: Russell Crowe in Gladiator (WINNER! Maximus seeks revenge on Emperor Commodus), Javier Bardem in Before Night Falls (Escapes Cuba for repressing gay writer), Ed Harris in Pollock (Alcoholic tortured artist, loves Lee/Ruth) & Tom Hanks in Castaway (Only friend Wilson, must escape island).