5. Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (NR) – 2012
“Not to be confused with the big-screen, vampire hunting mashup, this direct-to-video horror flick has the Great Emancipator battling to save the Union from an attacking horde of Confederate zombies.”
It seems John Wilkes Booth doomed one of the founding fathers of our country to roles in terrible straight-to-video movies when he ultimately pulled the trigger that fateful day.
Bill Oberst Jr., who has apparently been really busy making terrible movies, stars as one seriously badass president who must eradicate the Confederate undead. The dialogue is clunky and the CGI is instantly regrettable to boot.
4. 1313: Cougar Cult (TV-14) – 2012
“Rufus, Darwin and Coopersmith are three nerdy but hunky young college guys who score the summer job of their dreams working at a swanky mansion … only to discover they’ve landed in a nightmare.”
Personally I have a lot of objections that come to mind from that synopsis, but how did this movie receive a TV-14 rating? The opening sequence alone plays like late night softcore you’d find on Skinemax.
A better summary for this movie might be, “Three doofy looking fraternity brothers take their shirts off and get in the shower a lot.”
3. Curse of the Puppet Master (R) – 1998
“Evil Dr. Magrew foolishly attempts to re-create the genius of puppet master Andre Toulon. Toulon’s puppets have watched silently as Magrew performed atrocities to achieve that end. Now, they’re ready to give Magrew a taste of his own medicine.”
Forget the Puppet Master; this entire movie seems to suffering from an unflinching curse. While the puppets are genuinely creepy, they’re From the unlikable actors to the grating death scenes, this movie is so bad it almost makes you upset.
2. Sharknado (TV-14) – 2013
“When a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, thousands of sharks are swept up in tornadoes and deposited all over the city, where they terrorize the shocked residents. Among them is bar owner Fin, who must rescue his estranged wife and daughter.”
Sharks in a tornado? Don’t ask questions, just watch and enjoy.
As if propelled by a dare, Anthony C. Ferrante shot this crap bomb using a cast of semi-recognizable faces including Tara Reid, Ian Ziering and John Heard. The SyFy network has always had a penchant for churning out some serious stinkers.
1. Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (NR) – 2006
“What happens when a fast-food chicken franchise is built on a sacred Native American burial site rife with restless spirits? Zombie chickens! Now it’s up to high school grad Arbie to find a way to destroy the featherless fiends.”
The premise of this movie is so overcooked, it’s no wonder this movie is so abysmal. Loaded with perverse jokes that resulted from terrible, just terrible writing, Most people will shut this off by the very first scene.