No doubt over the past few weeks you have seen countless lists dedicated to Valentine’s Day. “The best romantic comedies!” or “Movies guaranteed to impress your date!” and the ilk have probably been crawling all over the news feed of whatever social media site you browse when you’re supposed to be working.
Now that the holiday is over, however, all that Perfect Date Movie pressure is over. In celebration, here are 15 films that are all but guaranteed to ruin any future date and probably make the object of your desire think you’re a degenerate weirdo.
The movie: Yes, this is a film directed by Joel Schumacher and starring Nic Cage. Don’t let that fool you, though. His first release after the universally hated Batman and Robin, this appears to be Schumacher putting as much distance between the glitzy, toy commercial-esque bat film as possible.
Cage portrays detective Tom Welles, who stumbles upon a film reel that appears to depict a murder after a possible rape. Determined to find the source, Welles begins to investigate, which eventually leads him into the dark, underground world of snuff films. Aided by Max California (Joaquin Phoenix), the two decide to impersonate snuff film connoisseurs in order to get closer to the murder. What follows is a sordid tale that considers all the worst fetishes, from pedophilia to hardcore sadomasochism.
Why not a date movie: Show this to a date and she will likely spend the entire time looking around for an old school camera primed to catch her eventual murder.
Only watch if: Like Schumacher, you are trying to prove that there’s more to you than campy fanboyism.
14. Spring Breakers
The movie: Candy and Cotty (Vanessa Hudgens and Rachel Korine, respectively) can barely make it through their college classes without passing obscene notes to each other. They love to party, and see the upcoming spring break as a bacchanalia of joy. When they realize they do not have enough money to make the trip, they take matters into their own hands and rob a diner.
Their antics do not falter when they arrive, and together with Faith (Selena Gomez) and Brittany (Ashley Benson), the four bikini-clad biddies dive deep into the eternal party. They soon meet Alien (played by a heavily made-up James Franco) and he guides them on a tour of depravity.
Why not a date movie: Drugs, sex, and drinking are all constantly on display in this movie, but they are not titillating. Each shot of bare breasts or partying college kids is juxtaposed with scenes of sobering realities like alcohol poisoning and date rape, granting the entire film a sleazy, ominous veneer. Throughout its runtime, the film reveals the emptiness behind all these base desires, effectively killing any mood that could lead to your own personal party with your date.
Only watch if: you’re trying to promote a relationship based on abstinence.
13. I Saw the Devil
The movie: After deranged serial killer Kyung-chul (Choi Min-Sik) rapes and murders his wife, National Intelligence Service agent Soo-hyun (Lee Byung-hun) decides to exact his revenge in the most drawn out and painful way possible. Not content to simply kill him, Soo-hyun derives sick pleasure from seeing Kyung-chul suffer. Kyung-chul soon catches on, however, and the film turns into a hyper-violent cat and mouse game, with each man pulling power moves on the other.
Why not a date movie: Slick and stylish, the film is a queasy ride through two seriously messed up men’s psyches. Show it to a date, and she may start to feel like you are simply waiting for someone to rape and murder her so you can exact your sick revenge fantasies.
Only watch if: You’re trying to get revenge on your date.
12. Boogie Nights
The movie: One of PTA’s early films, the story follows legendarily endowed Dirk Diggler (Mark Wahlberg) through the excesses of the golden age of ‘70s pornography into the cocaine-dusted ‘80s. Filled with an incredible ensemble cast including John C. Reilly, William H. Macy, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Burt Reynolds, and Julianne Moore, the film pulls no punches in its depictions of the depravity of the porn industry.
Why not a date movie: Although it’s running time exceeds 2 ½ hours, the film rockets by like one of the coke-fueled parties it manically showcases. There is plenty of sex, but it rarely shows anyone enjoying it. Not great for setting the mood.
Only watch if: You’re dating a porn star.
11. Flesh for Frankenstein
The Movie: Yes, Andy Warhol produced it. If you go in expecting soup cans and pop-culture art prints, however, you will be sorely disappointed. The film follows the good doctor Baron von Frankenstein as he attempts to create an army of undead super monsters by forcing his two previous creations, an undead super monster couple, to procreate. His plans are dashed by the male’s low libido, and he sets out to find a human head donor with suitable stamina.
Why not a date movie: It is almost absurdly graphic, both in terms of violence and sex, often simultaneously. Frankenstein is played by Udo Kier, whose German accent obscures whether or not he’s playing the role with any hint of self-awareness. If your date is still around for the blood-soaked finale, it is probably only because she has slipped into a terror-induced coma.
Only watch if: Your date dabbles in necrophilia.
10. American Psycho
The Movie:Taken from Brett Easton Ellis’ novel of the same name, American Psycho centers onmurderous yuppie Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale), who is a tad obsessive. He spends hours a day on his appearance, frets over business card inadequacies with his fellow highly paid stock brokers, and frequently abuses drugs and hookers.
Why not a date movie: At its core the film is a darkly comedic satire, but a good portion of screen time is devoted to Patrick Bateman seducing and then violently murdering women. Showing it to a date will probably only communicate that there is a rage building up inside of you that will soon manifest itself in the form of elaborate sex murders. And possibly cocaine addiction.
Only watch if: You met your date through a psychopathic book club.
9. A Clockwork Orange
The movie: While a lot of the entries on this list have discussed the juxtapositions of sex and violence, this film stands out in that its protagonist Alex (Malcom McDowell) not only enjoys both of those activities, but feels the same elation from both of them (and the Glorious Ninth). After a rape turns into murder-by-penis-statue, Alex is detained and enrolled in an experimental rehabilitation program that causes Alex to relate sex, violence, and Beethoven to revulsion instead of ecstasy.
Why not a date movie: The iconic film is expertly directed by Stanley Kubrick, but your date will probably miss the subtleties and instead focus on the fact that you seem to have a predilection for ultraviolence and a bit of the old in-out, in-out.
Only watch if: Your date already has bad connotations to “Singin’ in the Rain.”