5 Haunted Houses That Would Be A Real Estate Agent’s Nightmare
With Halloween only a few days away, I got to thinking what it would be like for a real estate agent to have to try and sell a batch of houses which are known as modern day horror classics. Sure every home has their secrets, but how many literally have skeletons in the closets? Can you imagine the nightmare it would be for an agent to find one of these houses on their MLS listings? How do you pitch that to a potential home buyer? “Well, Mr. Johnson… a shitload of teenagers may have been slaughtered here, but at least it inspired a film to be made about it”!
Here are my 5 random horror movie haunted houses that would be a virtual nightmare for any real estate agent:
Honorable Mention- The Evil Dead Cabin (fromThe Evil Dead)
This only gets an honorable mention because in all seriousness, who the fuck buys a rundown cabin in the middle of the woods? Real estate is about location, location, location – and this one is in the middle of ass-crack, USA. Try selling a home that hasn’t been updated in decades and whose landscaping looks worse than vagina in the 1970’s. As if living in the wild wasn’t bad enough, now you have to worry about getting sodomized by a fucking tree. The previous owners appear to have been interested in witchcraft and left some of worshipping shit behind. You know it’s bad luck to get rid of it, so now you’re stuck with it, like herpes. Don’t forget the crazy old bitch locked in the cellar. On the upside, if you like to have wild parties, after a few drinks this broad can lapdance like a demon!
5- The Bates Motel (from Psycho)
The word “motel” alone makes you immediately think of a booty spot that charges by the hour for you to roll around with some skank in jizz stained sheets. So first thing you have to do is rid the sign. After all, it’s not really a shag hole, it’s more like a respectable bed and breakfast…one that’s owned by a 40 year old psycho cross dressing virgin who still lives with his mother’s dead corpse. But in this economy, that’s becoming more of the Norm(an). Why sell another mother/daughter home when you can be different and sell a mother/mamma’s boy home? On the upside, there are plenty of peep holes in the room to play voyeur while your female guests are changing and showing. Pending on your preference, those peep holes can be converted into gloryholes. Who said the massage parlor was the only place you can get a cheap rub and a tug?
4- The Amityville House (from The Amityville Horror)
Who doesn’t want a great deal on a three story, multi-room, 3000-plus square foot home in Long Island? So, this one has a few voices. It’s still better than having your in-laws move in. Blood spewing from the walls? Big deal! Just go to Costco and stock up on industrial sized tampons. After four or more movies, the place has proven to be fire-proof, and it’s the only home on the market that has a built in system to tell when it’s time to sell. Anytime you hear the words “get out” whispered, it means it’s time for the rest of your body to catch up with your ass that went running out the door!
3- The Meyer’s House (from Halloween)
Are you one of those cheap fuckers that hates buying candy or answering the door on Halloween? Well then this is the perfect house for you! Every kid in the neighborhood knows not to fuck with this place. The downside is that it’s only really designed for couples without kids, because apparently there hasn’t been much of a success rate for babysitters. With that said, the home comes fully furnished with tons of sharp utensils in the kitchen drawer. I also hear there is a doctor on call and the grass in the backyard is so plush, you can fall out of the second story window and land comfortably without a scratch.
2- The House on Elm Street (from A Nightmare on Elm Street)
Talk about the home of your dreams! That bright blowjob red lipstick door stands out on the street for some serious curb appeal. There never is trouble with the heat as the furnace is set on automatic. The teenage demographic is dwindling on a daily basis, but these arrogant high school assholes are a bunch of insomniacs. I wouldn’t say they are up till late studying for finals, but whatever they are doing, it is pretty final. On the downside, the neighbors frown upon peeping out the young hot ass. Apparently, they are a bunch of pyromaniac motherfuckers who like to torch people at the stake.
1-The Poltergeist House (from Poltergeist)
A little dated, but who doesn’t like a classic. The kitchen features moving chairs that will go over like fart in church at any party; the closets have plenty of space and light coming out of it; and if your kids start to act up, just threaten to send them to the TV room. Yeah, so one kid got stuck inside the TV. We did everything we could by flipping through the channels, but we’re confident she’ll pop up again now that we’re getting Fios. Do your kids like to climb trees? Well ,do we have a treat for you. You’ll never have to worry about little Jimmy getting hurt because these hunks of wood will actually snatch up your kids for you. Thinking about having a family reunion? Plenty of your old relatives are probably buried in what use to be a cemetery underneath the house. Talk about bringing the party them, huh? And if you have any old timers that are on the death clock, just toss them into the mud pool so they can float around with the rest of the family remains!
This is just another public announcement from your local realtor. Have a safe and happy Halloween!
Jack Foley is a real estate agent in New York with listings for Cold Spring Harbor Homes For Sale. He is also an avid horror movie fan who is currently wiritng his own series of short horror stories.
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